Yes means No.

My recent roller-coastery experiences have been more fun than any time I’ve ever spent at an amusement park, but whereas Disneyland instill’d a fear of strollers and assaulted my senses with a new sound and or sugary sweet smell every 15 paces, all the meetings I’ve had recently have taught me a new language: Bizese.

It can be quite difficult trying to communicate with someone when you don’t speak the same language, but it’s confusing when they appear to be speaking the same language and aren’t. Sorta like British English; don’t ever say ‘khaki pants’ across the pond…it does not mean the same thing as it does here.

It’s a pretty simple dialect, so I’m thinking of hiring someone who speaks nerd to create an iPhone Ap — The Bizese Translator.

Here’s how it’d work– you’d either hold your phone up and let it hear whatever nonsense the person is saying a la that magical program that can tell you what song you’re hearing when you can’t name it any amount of notes, and at the end of their spiel a robo-voice will give you the translation:


Or, you could type in a block of text like on babelfish, which came in handy when I was co-habitating with a French Canadian, hit ‘translate’ and out comes:


Let’s try it out. You type in “Yes!” hit translate, and out comes:


It’s painfully ironic that a language where everything means no, doesn’t have a word for it. Sorta like how the word lisp has an ‘s’ sound or the word ‘phonetic’ isn’t phonetic at all. But it is sorta perfect when you consider the totally dysfunctional industry whose collective mouths speak it.   strollers