Monthly Archives: February 2009

Hot Wheelz

My 2007 Prius, Touring Edition, is saving the environment, but killing me.

I’m just not sure what I was thinking when I cobbled together 3,000 American dollars and convinced that credit union that blew up last year to spot me the rest. My car payment is more akin to rent. And I’m a work-from-home writer– I only go out-of-doors to scrounge for food, and I walk to the supermarket. So, instead of hanging my head in fiscal defeat, I invented Transport System 2.0:

Step 1. Sell Prius.
Silver Prii are like blondes, they’re everywhere and everyone wants to be in one, so this was super easy thanks to Craig and his magical List. Step two of step one was giving this money directly to said bank, which either needs to change its name to Bank of Bosnia or spend my dollars on walls.

Step 2. Buy The Cheapest/Coolest New/Old Wheels Possible.
I considered what my dream used car would be. It took me about 37 seconds:

le car
the Year? 1982. That’s like, vintage! It’s sort of indisputable that this is the best car ever made. The only way it could be better is if it was read: Le California Car.
Finding one was a bit harder cause no sane person would give one of these babies up, but I sleuth’d a mint one in Hawaii. So, 1,500 dead presidents later (500 for the car and 1,000 for shipping) Le Car was Le Mine.

Step 3. Le Driver
With all these Prius Bucks I’m now saving every month, I can afford to hire a chauffeur.
Whenever I want to go out, which is never, I roll over to the Home Depot, TM, and pick up a day laborer. Preferably one with a valid driver’s license. But I’m not picky, basically the guy that smells the best wins (it’s a small car).

home despot
Step 4. Enjoy Life From The Back Seat.
Or out the sunroof! LA is pretty to look at! Driving is hard work! I never need to valet!
I’m not one of those assholes who gets car sick, so it’s also free reading time! And there’s nothing like the look on people’s faces when I roll up to Area/Hyde/LAX (club & airport), Jesus/Jose/Juan gets out, walks around the car, opens the passenger door, tilts the seat forward, and helps me out. And for ten bucks an hour, I can go out twenty-five times a month for two hours atta time and it’d still be a savings!

Update: I’ve converted Le Car to Bio-Diesel, so while I’m “out” my driver goes in search of grease!

Tips To Improve Your Next Stay In Employ

Wanna work less at work? Regret giving your boss your cell phone number? Trying to get ahead in a dress-for-the-job-you-want-not-the-job-you-have type environment? Follow these six tips written in the blood of my enslavement and you’ll have way more off-site time, lose those last ten pounds, and your own office/assistant/expense account in no time*:

1. Gift Of Life.
Have a kid. Don’t actually have a kid, please. But find yourself a pre-existing one that you can exploit. Ironically, even if you’re single and everyone thinks it was unplanned, you’ll look real responsible due to your being in charge of another human person AND extra easy. It’s gonna cost you a little upfront, cause you have to initially claim him or her as a dependent and then recoup that money at tax time, but the benefits you will reap make it worthwhile. Breeders get away with tons of shit. No one can really say “No” when you have to leave early cause your kid is “sick” or you have a “parent-teacher conference” or day care is “closed pending investigation.” When people procreate they also buy cameras so photographic documentation is key. You should also pretend to be really really into it, so tack up photos often and all over.


2. All The Cool Kids Are Doing It
Smoke. Don’t actually smoke, please. But get yourself one pack of cigarettes (Virginia Slims, Pall Malls, Kools ,whatever) and own it. When a smoker is frustrated, cranky, or bored, they are never refused a 10-15 minute smoking break. But you can’t just ask for some air. These guys get to act like assholes AND go outside. If you get two breaks a day, five days a week, for one year, that’s a one hundred thirty hour savings of reclaimed time straight back to you! The trick is to establish yourself as a lone wolf smoker, find your own secret smoking spot, and if anyone asks you why you don’t smell like BBQ Lung, tell them you’re just really good at it.

3. Jake In Progress
Therapy. You probably should do this, but even if you want to keep that unhealthily low self-esteem, misogyny, or eating disorder, tell your HR representative otherwise on day one and establish an Outstanding Shrink Appointment. Every week. Which just happens to fall mid-day. If you want to go pro, pick a brain doctor that’s on the other end of the LAiverse so there’s no time to come back to the office afterwards. Sign up for that UCB class!

welcome to walmart
4. Age Crimination
No matter how old you are, be over thirty. Just trust me on this.

no no
5. Y/N
No matter what is asked of you, always say, “Yes” with your mouth and, “Fuck You” with everything else.
Example: “Hey Seth, Big Jenny clogged the ladies bathroom again. Could you roll up those Thomas Pink sleeves and-”
If at all possible, muster up a smile, too! I’m not saying you should actually DO the work. Just say yes. Everyone loves a yes man.

silver fox
6. Salt N Peppa
Go grey. Even if you just take some whiteout to individual strands of hair. Nothing gives insta-cred more than being a Silver Fox. George Clooney, Anderson Cooper, Maya Angelou, you know it’s true.
*I am not responsible for anything bad following these tips may result in, including but not limited to: cancer, termination, or hair loss (though that also lends major credibility). I am however, responsible for all positives. Gratitudities appreciated.