Monthly Archives: April 2009

We Were #1

I’m just not sure how this is possible, but yesterday Cricket and I were the number one (#1) most popular story on Reuters.com . Check it out! : picture-4.png We were more popular than a WORLD HEALTH PANDEMIC. We were more popular than Michelle Obama being decidedly beautiful. We had an almost full page spread in the Toronto Globe & Mail, and I’ve heard we’ve been translated into Norwegian, Swedish, Spanish and Japanese. People tell me these things, and the information goes in through my ears, gets translated into something like this:

??!#@%??&**!!!!!

And then comes out my mouth as laughter. This is the funnest ride I’ve ever been on.

Just goes to show you, the things you think make you different, or make you feel like an outsider, actually make you just like everybody else.

Did You Or Anyone You Know Romy and/or Michelle Their Reunion?

Jessica Ravitz of CNN.com is looking for other outrageous stories to illustrate the lengths people will go to in attending high school reunions. Crash diets? Last-minute cosmetic surgery? Fake spouses or significant others? Fabricated professions and business cards? Did you arrive in a car that wasn’t yours? Maybe you hired an escort to go with you, or were hired by someone? If you have any stories to share about yourself, or about classmates, please fess up to Jessica at jessica.ravitz@cnn.com or 404-878-2106.

KIT, Q&A, FTW.

How exciting to actually be getting comments on here! And such ah-mazing ones at that, exclamation point

Here’s some other ways you can find us, iffn you’re interested:

twitter account is irememberandrea

You can be-face me on facebook. I’m fairly certain I’m the only Andrea Wachner in the northern hemisphere.

Become a face-fan. Join the I Remember Andrea film page. And then join the Cricket fan page.

There’s also www.irememberandrea.com with a one-minute trailer I cut all by m’self and pics n junk. I’ll try and put some new stuff up there, or get someone who speaks nerd to put some new stuff up there soon! I know it’s ugly. I made it in an hour on iWeb. I’d love to be able to hire Emily Glaubinger, the incredible artist who did the drawings for the animated section of the movie (there’s an animated section in the movie!) to re-do it. A gal can dream.

In the meanwhilst, there’ve been a lot of factual inaccuracies in the articles (there’s no such thing as fact checking in the new economy) and videos going around, so great questions are filling up my various inboxii. I’ll try and answer some here– if you have others, take full advantage of the comment section built for you and I will answer those too, in addition. Unless they’re mean questions. I won’t be engaging those.

Q: Why are you 31 and having a 10 year reunion? Are you “special”? I know your high school was hard, but did it take you until the age of legality to get your diploma?

A: I shot this in August of ’05. 3.5+ years ago. It takes time to make a movie all on your own, people. Especially when you up and move across the country in the middle and lose your incredible editor, the estimable Chris Guido in the process. The first six months of post were also a technomologmical nightmare. But the six-minute trailer currently going “viral” like the pig flu has been up on youtube for a long while. I guess I’m just that far ahead of the media! They can’t keep up with me.

Q: Are you and Cricket friends now?

A: No. We are sisters now. She is the coolest, most wonderfulest, awe inspiringest, gymasticiest, leotard owningest woman I know and she is welcome to any organ I have two of.

Q: How can I see/buy the DVD of your movie?

A: Do you own a major or medium-sized motion picture studio, distribution company or television network?  I want to sell it!  I want you to see it! Hopefully I will have great news to this end soon. I am poor and I like to eat appx. one meal a day.

Q: What did you shoot on and how were they hidden?

A: 3 (three!) Panasonic DVX-100a’s. They were hidden full-sized, mounted atop two guy-sized guys’ shoulders aka not hidden.

Q: Why are you meow meow meowing about going to a good, safe, well car’d high school, Crabitha?

A: I’m not. I swear. I actually say, in EVERY SINGLE INTERVIEW, that I would hate for it to come across like I suffered or was tortured, or that I was still holding a grudge after my 4 year sentence served there. I found ways to be happy at PVPHS, just like I always do– I can make anything fun– but that doesn’t mean I liked having to go there. I probably would’ve hated high school no matter where I went, cause high school sucks! For so many reasons! The main two being that you have to wake up while it’s still dark outside and that kids get made fun of for the things that make them different. (With distance and age, you realize those are the very same qualities that make you great and interesting and worth knowing. And just to be clear, I don’t remember ever being made fun of by anyone other than my brothers) This is a pretty universally held belief as witnessed by the wonderful response to my “prank.” Apparently however, this information is not deemed article or spot-worthy.

A without a Q: I am not shy. I am not insecure about who I am now, nor have I ever been. I think it takes a lot of security in your identity to be willing to let someone else portray you, to not care what the results are, to film it, and to let everyone in the world see you “make a mockery” of yourself. And then to go on HD national television unshowered and make-up ignorant. Please enjoy some embarassing pictures of me in my awkward teen years.

Before Chuck E shoved my own sweet 16 birthday cake in my face:   sweet-sixteen2.jpg
And after:    sweet-sixteen5.jpg

A: Yes, I had my 16th birthday party at Chuck E Cheese. Ironically, I am now vegan.

The Situation (Room)

My cousin Kenn texted me with one of the best messages I’ve received thus far, “Wolf Blitzer just acknowledged your existence!”

This is my favorite piece so far. Cricket and I both wore ties for the occasion because we took it REAL serious-like, and I met Larry King in the hallway! If I had been smart, I would’ve brought a camera and taken some pictures to put right HERE. Oops. Thank you, screen grab!picture-2.png
Link for now, will try to figure out how to embed later:




D D L

Today, while soberly driving (unintoxicated, not solemnly) my car home from Trader Joe’s (I trade them $60 for one bag of food) I listened to NPR (the LA equivalent of reading).

The chunk of air-time I tuned-in for was an exploration of the value of a measure being introduced in California to try and combat drunkard driving. The statistics are horrifying. If I remember them correctly, there are something like 1,500 deaths, 200,000 arrests and a gajillion accidents caused by shit-faced people failing to multi-task (be trashed and drive). And, on average, someone’s first DUI is really their 87th time DUIing. That’s just in California. So said measure would penalize the plastered by putting a breathalyzer in their cars that controls their starters. If they are schnockered, the car won’t start. And even if they have a sober person blow for them (highly illegal, fyi), good luck, cause there are random breath tests along the way.

What followed was a lot of back and forth, point-counterpoint debate as to the benefits and drawbacks of this plan. One guy called-in to say that this solution was too “Big Brother” and that we should just make capitol punishment the penalty for a DUI conviction. Hey, my high school had “random” breathalyzing after lunch, so this is not a new concept, but in what might be my Best Idea Yet, I have devised a brand new alternative.

Let’s face it, people in LA are always going to drink, the city of LA is always going to have no public transportation, so the roads at 2 am will always be spinning. As a Prius owner and lover of the good ol’ HOV lane, I would be willing to offer it up during the 10 o’clock Do You Know Where Your Children Are Hour,  till four or five am, the brief window of no-rush-hour(s). During this time period the freeway’s carpool lane would become a designated Drunk Driving Lane (DDL).

DDL

If there’s money for breathalyzers, then why not just build some of those bowling alley style bumpers that could rise up, separate the lane, and let ‘em go crazy in there! And by crazy I mean go 20 mph, cause apparently that makes it okay to drive while sloshed. If they hit each other, serves them right. If they get home, tax them. Then, instead of having police and emergency response teams tied up with all their accident-making, a snow plow can go through and clear out the night’s debris in time for the morning slommute.

Andrea Martin II

Dear Mr. Steve Martin,

My name is Andrea (though you could re-name me anyone you want) and I’m a pretty cute 31 year-old who would like it very much if you would adopt me. Did you know there’s no legal age limit on adoption? I’m not looking for money or a free ride. I don’t need tons of your time or a date to a father daughter dance. I’m a hard working comedy writer who could just use some undeniable good association– like being introduced “around town”** as your daughter. In exchange for adopting me and introducing me “around town”** as said offspring (though if you’d like to let me live in your house, leave me a painting or seven in your will, or take me with you on your next trip to St. Barths, I wouldn’t say no) there are loads of benefits for you:

1. Adoption is totally “in” right now. See: Brangelina, Madonna, the future parents of those octuplets that will eventually get taken away from that cragee (she’s that crazy) lady. You could get a funny piece of the PR action and not have to take care of some parasitic, shit-wearing, crier.

1a. You have worked SO hard and built such an amazing comedy legacy, shouldn’t it live on? Let’s face it, this business runs on nepotism and you have no kids of your own. Shouldn’t someone get to take advantage of the Steve Martin name– and who’s a more deserving funny vegan with no living dad than a me?

1a2. Your dad sounds like a real asshole. If you’d like to “stop the cycle” or repeat it, either way I’m here for you.

1a2.2. Who is gonna take care of you when you’re old? Reeeally old. I totally would. Plus, I met you once (SNL 25th Anniversary episode circa 1999) and made you laugh out loud, so I could prolly do that again, which equals the best medicine.

5. Right now, I could be a pretty amazing dependent-style tax write-off.

F. People use their kids as excuses to get out of stuff all the time and no one can really deny them. You can totally use me as your very own personal scapegoat.

-. Wouldn’t this idea also make for a funny movie? We could write it and then you could star in it with Tina Fey.

VIII. How many presents have you bought for Lorne’s kids? You get 50% (negotiable) of whatever I get.

DD. A whole nother gift giving day just for you in June, and I am a good gifter.

*. When I do something good, you get partial credit, just for being my dad.

*b. When I do something bad, you can blame it on my mom.

71. Unconditional love. Even if you go off your meds. Again.

Think it over. But don’t think too hard. Look at the familial resemblance!

me & steve

xo,

___________ Martin

p.s. please note that I purposefully did not write this in the style of a Sally Struthers Adopt-a-starving Ethiopian ad for all the reasons that you should be proud of me for.
** “around town” = “Hollywood” = a not geographically specific term referring to the entertainment industry and used by assholes.