the whole way without fighting.
but, WE MADE IT!
first things first, my face, vegan or otherwise, may smell like a lot of things: coffee breath, check. onion/garlic, check. neutrogena face cream, check. but swampfoot is not one of them. if sb had said it was my vegan pitts i wouldn’t argue, cause man, they do smell and that is with deodorant! but not m’face.
that said, we have smelled some awful awful things on this trip: the diapers in NC, the ghost diarrhea diaper in NM, the sulfer of Bad Smell Factories by the side of many a highway, the freezer in the apartment in CA, but sb’s feet in a prius was pretty fucking bad. so bad in fact, that it led me to create a sister group to the NWO (New World Order) called the NWS or New World Smell. (Our goal is to put an end to bad smells everywhere. If you have any ideas on how to make this a reality, please drop me a line. also, if you have any evidence that rankness is part of the greater conspiracy shut the fuck up) At first, she openly admitted that it was her feet that the stink waves were emanating from, but now she denies it. But, she washed her feet, put the sherpa shoes in a sealed sack, and stopped wearing the same pair of socks on day 7 and MYSTERIOUSLY the smell has dissipated. hm.
also also, of note is the interesting fact that after 17,000 hours of driving yesterday, when we finally got to the Park Plaza Phoenix North, hadn’t eaten, were changing the lyrics of said mj tunes to reflect how sore our asses were, and had terrible terrible foot ODOUR that needed immediate attention, and were accosted by a chubbs punk teen who wanted us to write him a check so that he could win that day’s National Career Award competition miss sarah bennett was flirtron 3000 the likes of which i have never seen. I literally had to pull her away. she’ll tell you she was delirious and had no idea what she was doing and can’t remember, so remember that when you’re trying to decide who’s right about the stank.
secondly, Jacqueline was the best/worst drag queen northern phoenix suburbs have ever known. there is no doubt about it– her privats are safely tucked, but they are indeed on the outside.
third, did i mention the trip is over and we’re here and holy fuck what have i done cause i actually LIVE HERE NOW?? I kinda had grown accustomed to our on-the-road lifestyle and had begun to believe it was the new permanent norm. You know, that routine of taco bell, two star extended stay hotels, and driving all day? ahhh, those were the days.

i’m officially up to speed on a 2002 lifestyle!
also, i had one Maria’s Special Margarita and it has made me a wee bit “special.”
Here are some brief thoughts about the trip thus far:
1. trucks should not be allowed in the left lane. not now. not ever.
2. driving is only fun when you are going over 73 mph. (today was my first 75 zone, weeee!)
3. after 3 hours sitting in a car my ass starts to hurt.
4. Jesus saves!
5. in the middle/south there is surcharge for leaving the meat out of things
6. Dollywood really is the most amazing place on earth. I have never felt more able-bodied/thin/interested in laser tag.
7.you know how sometimes on airplanes you get the emergency exit row and the luxurious amount of leg space is mind blowingly awesome? Handicapped hotel rooms dude. we had a seat for our shower last night.
8. any amount of celebrity can secure you either a billboard shout out at city limits (carrie underwood’s home town!), a theme restaurant (toby keith’s!), or no wait, that’s it. restaurant or signage.
9. morning’s aren’t THAT bad.
10. There is a large chain of stores called Outdoor World that is Indoors. i will never go inside one, but i love them with all my heart.
xo
-a