Wanna work less at work? Regret giving your boss your cell phone number? Trying to get ahead in a dress-for-the-job-you-want-not-the-job-you-have type environment? Follow these six tips written in the blood of my enslavement and you’ll have way more off-site time, lose those last ten pounds, and your own office/assistant/expense account in no time*:

1. Gift Of Life.
Have a kid. Don’t actually have a kid, please. But find yourself a pre-existing one that you can exploit. Ironically, even if you’re single and everyone thinks it was unplanned, you’ll look real responsible due to your being in charge of another human person AND extra easy. It’s gonna cost you a little upfront, cause you have to initially claim him or her as a dependent and then recoup that money at tax time, but the benefits you will reap make it worthwhile. Breeders get away with tons of shit. No one can really say “No” when you have to leave early cause your kid is “sick” or you have a “parent-teacher conference” or day care is “closed pending investigation.” When people procreate they also buy cameras so photographic documentation is key. You should also pretend to be really really into it, so tack up photos often and all over.

2. All The Cool Kids Are Doing It
Smoke. Don’t actually smoke, please. But get yourself one pack of cigarettes (Virginia Slims, Pall Malls, Kools ,whatever) and own it. When a smoker is frustrated, cranky, or bored, they are never refused a 10-15 minute smoking break. But you can’t just ask for some air. These guys get to act like assholes AND go outside. If you get two breaks a day, five days a week, for one year, that’s a one hundred thirty hour savings of reclaimed time straight back to you! The trick is to establish yourself as a lone wolf smoker, find your own secret smoking spot, and if anyone asks you why you don’t smell like BBQ Lung, tell them you’re just really good at it.

3. Jake In Progress
Therapy. You probably should do this, but even if you want to keep that unhealthily low self-esteem, misogyny, or eating disorder, tell your HR representative otherwise on day one and establish an Outstanding Shrink Appointment. Every week. Which just happens to fall mid-day. If you want to go pro, pick a brain doctor that’s on the other end of the LAiverse so there’s no time to come back to the office afterwards. Sign up for that UCB class!

4. Age Crimination
No matter how old you are, be over thirty. Just trust me on this.

5. Y/N
No matter what is asked of you, always say, “Yes” with your mouth and, “Fuck You” with everything else.
Example: “Hey Seth, Big Jenny clogged the ladies bathroom again. Could you roll up those Thomas Pink sleeves and-”
“Yes.”
If at all possible, muster up a smile, too! I’m not saying you should actually DO the work. Just say yes. Everyone loves a yes man.

6. Salt N Peppa
Go grey. Even if you just take some whiteout to individual strands of hair. Nothing gives insta-cred more than being a Silver Fox. George Clooney, Anderson Cooper, Maya Angelou, you know it’s true.
*I am not responsible for anything bad following these tips may result in, including but not limited to: cancer, termination, or hair loss (though that also lends major credibility). I am however, responsible for all positives. Gratitudities appreciated.