we almost made it

the whole way without fighting.
but, WE MADE IT!
first things first, my face, vegan or otherwise, may smell like a lot of things: coffee breath, check. onion/garlic, check. neutrogena face cream, check. but swampfoot is not one of them. if sb had said it was my vegan pitts i wouldn’t argue, cause man, they do smell and that is with deodorant! but not m’face.
that said, we have smelled some awful awful things on this trip: the diapers in NC, the ghost diarrhea diaper in NM, the sulfer of Bad Smell Factories by the side of many a highway, the freezer in the apartment in CA, but sb’s feet in a prius was pretty fucking bad. so bad in fact, that it led me to create a sister group to the NWO (New World Order) called the NWS or New World Smell. (Our goal is to put an end to bad smells everywhere. If you have any ideas on how to make this a reality, please drop me a line. also, if you have any evidence that rankness is part of the greater conspiracy shut the fuck up) At first, she openly admitted that it was her feet that the stink waves were emanating from, but now she denies it. But, she washed her feet, put the sherpa shoes in a sealed sack, and stopped wearing the same pair of socks on day 7 and MYSTERIOUSLY the smell has dissipated. hm.
also also, of note is the interesting fact that after 17,000 hours of driving yesterday, when we finally got to the Park Plaza Phoenix North, hadn’t eaten, were changing the lyrics of said mj tunes to reflect how sore our asses were, and had terrible terrible foot ODOUR that needed immediate attention, and were accosted by a chubbs punk teen who wanted us to write him a check so that he could win that day’s National Career Award competition miss sarah bennett was flirtron 3000 the likes of which i have never seen. I literally had to pull her away. she’ll tell you she was delirious and had no idea what she was doing and can’t remember, so remember that when you’re trying to decide who’s right about the stank.
secondly, Jacqueline was the best/worst drag queen northern phoenix suburbs have ever known. there is no doubt about it– her privats are safely tucked, but they are indeed on the outside.
third, did i mention the trip is over and we’re here and holy fuck what have i done cause i actually LIVE HERE NOW?? I kinda had grown accustomed to our on-the-road lifestyle and had begun to believe it was the new permanent norm. You know, that routine of taco bell, two star extended stay hotels, and driving all day? ahhh, those were the days.

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