Dear Mr. Steve Martin,
My name is Andrea (though you could re-name me anyone you want) and I’m a pretty cute 31 year-old who would like it very much if you would adopt me. Did you know there’s no legal age limit on adoption? I’m not looking for money or a free ride. I don’t need tons of your time or a date to a father daughter dance. I’m a hard working comedy writer who could just use some undeniable good association– like being introduced “around town”** as your daughter. In exchange for adopting me and introducing me “around town”** as said offspring (though if you’d like to let me live in your house, leave me a painting or seven in your will, or take me with you on your next trip to St. Barths, I wouldn’t say no) there are loads of benefits for you:
1. Adoption is totally “in” right now. See: Brangelina, Madonna, the future parents of those octuplets that will eventually get taken away from that cragee (she’s that crazy) lady. You could get a funny piece of the PR action and not have to take care of some parasitic, shit-wearing, crier.
1a. You have worked SO hard and built such an amazing comedy legacy, shouldn’t it live on? Let’s face it, this business runs on nepotism and you have no kids of your own. Shouldn’t someone get to take advantage of the Steve Martin name– and who’s a more deserving funny vegan with no living dad than a me?
1a2. Your dad sounds like a real asshole. If you’d like to “stop the cycle” or repeat it, either way I’m here for you.
1a2.2. Who is gonna take care of you when you’re old? Reeeally old. I totally would. Plus, I met you once (SNL 25th Anniversary episode circa 1999) and made you laugh out loud, so I could prolly do that again, which equals the best medicine.
5. Right now, I could be a pretty amazing dependent-style tax write-off.
F. People use their kids as excuses to get out of stuff all the time and no one can really deny them. You can totally use me as your very own personal scapegoat.
-. Wouldn’t this idea also make for a funny movie? We could write it and then you could star in it with Tina Fey.
VIII. How many presents have you bought for Lorne’s kids? You get 50% (negotiable) of whatever I get.
DD. A whole nother gift giving day just for you in June, and I am a good gifter.
*. When I do something good, you get partial credit, just for being my dad.
*b. When I do something bad, you can blame it on my mom.
71. Unconditional love. Even if you go off your meds. Again.
Think it over. But don’t think too hard. Look at the familial resemblance!
p.s. please note that I purposefully did not write this in the style of a Sally Struthers Adopt-a-starving Ethiopian ad for all the reasons that you should be proud of me for.
** “around town” = “Hollywood” = a not geographically specific term referring to the entertainment industry and used by assholes.