ihateselfpromotion.com

I have just returned from NYC with my better half, where I got her to re-record the outgoing message on my voicemail, be a vegan for 24 hours, and almost crash a party Madonna was throwing in our super swank hotel. We had sunken square bathtubs I swam laps in, all the bellmen were models, and a mini-bar which included $5 condoms. We had such a good time (even though I spent half of it on the phone) on Good Morning America’s dime (excluding the mini-bar. Lesson learned the hard way)!   
On Saturday night at 2 am I got chased down the street, stopped, and asked, “Are you YouTube girl?!” and photo op’d. I don’t have that picture yet– he promised he’d send it to me, even though he didn’t know my name.
We taped our segment bright and early yesterday morning, but they’re saying it ran extra long (Us? Mouthy? SHOCKING) so the earliest they have that much free air space is this coming Monday, May 11th at 8:15 am. I don’t want to spoil it, so I’m not gonna say anything until Monday, May 11th at 8:20 am, at which time I will have words. But in case you think I’m dreaming too, I do have this pic to prove that I really did cuddle on the GMA couch with Diane Sawyer (even though she looks like a hologram)

Oh, I will say this, cause I don’t think the cameras were rolling at this point, I asked her and Mike to make me an adoption offer so I’d seem more in demand to Steve. She laughed. In my language, that’s a “Yes.”

IRA on GMA Monday, May 11th at appx. 8:15 am.

I’m just not sure how this is possible, but yesterday Cricket and I were the number one (#1) most popular story on Reuters.com . Check it out! : We were more popular than a WORLD HEALTH PANDEMIC. We were more popular than Michelle Obama being decidedly beautiful. We had an almost full page spread in the Toronto Globe & Mail, and I’ve heard we’ve been translated into Norwegian, Swedish, Spanish and Japanese. People tell me these things, and the information goes in through my ears, gets translated into something like this:

??!#@%??&**!!!!!

And then comes out my mouth as laughter. This is the funnest ride I’ve ever been on.

Just goes to show you, the things you think make you different, or make you feel like an outsider, actually make you just like everybody else.

Jessica Ravitz of CNN.com is looking for other outrageous stories to illustrate the lengths people will go to in attending high school reunions. Crash diets? Last-minute cosmetic surgery? Fake spouses or significant others? Fabricated professions and business cards? Did you arrive in a car that wasn’t yours? Maybe you hired an escort to go with you, or were hired by someone? If you have any stories to share about yourself, or about classmates, please fess up to Jessica at jessica.ravitz@cnn.com or 404-878-2106.

How exciting to actually be getting comments on here! And such ah-mazing ones at that, exclamation point

Here’s some other ways you can find us, iffn you’re interested:

twitter account is irememberandrea

You can be-face me on facebook. I’m fairly certain I’m the only Andrea Wachner in the northern hemisphere.

Become a face-fan. Join the I Remember Andrea film page. And then join the Cricket fan page.

There’s also www.irememberandrea.com with a one-minute trailer I cut all by m’self and pics n junk. I’ll try and put some new stuff up there, or get someone who speaks nerd to put some new stuff up there soon! I know it’s ugly. I made it in an hour on iWeb. I’d love to be able to hire Emily Glaubinger, the incredible artist who did the drawings for the animated section of the movie (there’s an animated section in the movie!) to re-do it. A gal can dream.

In the meanwhilst, there’ve been a lot of factual inaccuracies in the articles (there’s no such thing as fact checking in the new economy) and videos going around, so great questions are filling up my various inboxii. I’ll try and answer some here– if you have others, take full advantage of the comment section built for you and I will answer those too, in addition. Unless they’re mean questions. I won’t be engaging those.

Q: Why are you 31 and having a 10 year reunion? Are you “special”? I know your high school was hard, but did it take you until the age of legality to get your diploma?

A: I shot this in August of ‘05. 3.5+ years ago. It takes time to make a movie all on your own, people. Especially when you up and move across the country in the middle and lose your incredible editor, the estimable Chris Guido in the process. The first six months of post were also a technomologmical nightmare. But the six-minute trailer currently going “viral” like the pig flu has been up on youtube for a long while. I guess I’m just that far ahead of the media! They can’t keep up with me.

Q: Are you and Cricket friends now?

A: No. We are sisters now. She is the coolest, most wonderfulest, awe inspiringest, gymasticiest, leotard owningest woman I know and she is welcome to any organ I have two of.

Q: How can I see/buy the DVD of your movie?

A: Do you own a major or medium-sized motion picture studio, distribution company or television network?  I want to sell it!  I want you to see it! Hopefully I will have great news to this end soon. I am poor and I like to eat appx. one meal a day.

Q: What did you shoot on and how were they hidden?

A: 3 (three!) Panasonic DVX-100a’s. They were hidden full-sized, mounted atop two guy-sized guys’ shoulders aka not hidden.

Q: Why are you meow meow meowing about going to a good, safe, well car’d high school, Crabitha?

A: I’m not. I swear. I actually say, in EVERY SINGLE INTERVIEW, that I would hate for it to come across like I suffered or was tortured, or that I was still holding a grudge after my 4 year sentence served there. I found ways to be happy at PVPHS, just like I always do– I can make anything fun– but that doesn’t mean I liked having to go there. I probably would’ve hated high school no matter where I went, cause high school sucks! For so many reasons! The main two being that you have to wake up while it’s still dark outside and that kids get made fun of for the things that make them different. (With distance and age, you realize those are the very same qualities that make you great and interesting and worth knowing. And just to be clear, I don’t remember ever being made fun of by anyone other than my brothers) This is a pretty universally held belief as witnessed by the wonderful response to my “prank.” Apparently however, this information is not deemed article or spot-worthy.

A without a Q: I am not shy. I am not insecure about who I am now, nor have I ever been. I think it takes a lot of security in your identity to be willing to let someone else portray you, to not care what the results are, to film it, and to let everyone in the world see you “make a mockery” of yourself. And then to go on HD national television unshowered and make-up ignorant. Please enjoy some embarassing pictures of me in my awkward teen years.

Before Chuck E shoved my own sweet 16 birthday cake in my face:  
And after:   

A: Yes, I had my 16th birthday party at Chuck E Cheese. Ironically, I am now vegan.

My cousin Kenn texted me with one of the best messages I’ve received thus far, “Wolf Blitzer just acknowledged your existence!”

This is my favorite piece so far. Cricket and I both wore ties for the occasion because we took it REAL serious-like, and I met Larry King in the hallway! If I had been smart, I would’ve brought a camera and taken some pictures to put right HERE. Oops. Thank you, screen grab!
Link for now, will try to figure out how to embed later:

Unshowered at my personal best, this story by PVPHS Alum Christina Caron has helped me take your TV Box by storm!

video here:

http://abcnews.go.com/video/playerIndex?id=7399162

because this has gotten totally B-A-N-A-N-A-S, I’ve sucked it up and become a twit!

Follow along with all our TV & Radio appearances on Twitter (irememberandrea) and on the facebook fan page. 

Yours in immaturity,

A1

Today, while soberly driving (unintoxicated, not solemnly) my car home from Trader Joe’s (I trade them $60 for one bag of food) I listened to NPR (the LA equivalent of reading).

The chunk of air-time I tuned-in for was an exploration of the value of a measure being introduced in California to try and combat drunkard driving. The statistics are horrifying. If I remember them correctly, there are something like 1,500 deaths, 200,000 arrests and a gajillion accidents caused by shit-faced people failing to multi-task (be trashed and drive). And, on average, someone’s first DUI is really their 87th time DUIing. That’s just in California. So said measure would penalize the plastered by putting a breathalyzer in their cars that controls their starters. If they are schnockered, the car won’t start. And even if they have a sober person blow for them (highly illegal, fyi), good luck, cause there are random breath tests along the way.

What followed was a lot of back and forth, point-counterpoint debate as to the benefits and drawbacks of this plan. One guy called-in to say that this solution was too “Big Brother” and that we should just make capitol punishment the penalty for a DUI conviction. Hey, my high school had “random” breathalyzing after lunch, so this is not a new concept, but in what might be my Best Idea Yet, I have devised a brand new alternative.

Let’s face it, people in LA are always going to drink, the city of LA is always going to have no public transportation, so the roads at 2 am will always be spinning. As a Prius owner and lover of the good ol’ HOV lane, I would be willing to offer it up during the 10 o’clock Do You Know Where Your Children Are Hour,  till four or five am, the brief window of no-rush-hour(s). During this time period the freeway’s carpool lane would become a designated Drunk Driving Lane (DDL).

If there’s money for breathalyzers, then why not just build some of those bowling alley style bumpers that could rise up, separate the lane, and let ‘em go crazy in there! And by crazy I mean go 20 mph, cause apparently that makes it okay to drive while sloshed. If they hit each other, serves them right. If they get home, tax them. Then, instead of having police and emergency response teams tied up with all their accident-making, a snow plow can go through and clear out the night’s debris in time for the morning slommute.

Dear Mr. Steve Martin,

My name is Andrea (though you could re-name me anyone you want) and I’m a pretty cute 31 year-old who would like it very much if you would adopt me. Did you know there’s no legal age limit on adoption? I’m not looking for money or a free ride. I don’t need tons of your time or a date to a father daughter dance. I’m a hard working comedy writer who could just use some undeniable good association– like being introduced “around town”** as your daughter. In exchange for adopting me and introducing me “around town”** as said offspring (though if you’d like to let me live in your house, leave me a painting or seven in your will, or take me with you on your next trip to St. Barths, I wouldn’t say no) there are loads of benefits for you:

1. Adoption is totally “in” right now. See: Brangelina, Madonna, the future parents of those octuplets that will eventually get taken away from that cragee (she’s that crazy) lady. You could get a funny piece of the PR action and not have to take care of some parasitic, shit-wearing, crier.

1a. You have worked SO hard and built such an amazing comedy legacy, shouldn’t it live on? Let’s face it, this business runs on nepotism and you have no kids of your own. Shouldn’t someone get to take advantage of the Steve Martin name– and who’s a more deserving funny vegan with no living dad than a me?

1a2. Your dad sounds like a real asshole. If you’d like to “stop the cycle” or repeat it, either way I’m here for you.

1a2.2. Who is gonna take care of you when you’re old? Reeeally old. I totally would. Plus, I met you once (SNL 25th Anniversary episode circa 1999) and made you laugh out loud, so I could prolly do that again, which equals the best medicine.

5. Right now, I could be a pretty amazing dependent-style tax write-off.

F. People use their kids as excuses to get out of stuff all the time and no one can really deny them. You can totally use me as your very own personal scapegoat.

-. Wouldn’t this idea also make for a funny movie? We could write it and then you could star in it with Tina Fey.

VIII. How many presents have you bought for Lorne’s kids? You get 50% (negotiable) of whatever I get.

DD. A whole nother gift giving day just for you in June, and I am a good gifter.

*. When I do something good, you get partial credit, just for being my dad.

*b. When I do something bad, you can blame it on my mom.

71. Unconditional love. Even if you go off your meds. Again.

Think it over. But don’t think too hard. Look at the familial resemblance!

xo,

___________ Martin

p.s. please note that I purposefully did not write this in the style of a Sally Struthers Adopt-a-starving Ethiopian ad for all the reasons that you should be proud of me for.
** “around town” = “Hollywood” = a not geographically specific term referring to the entertainment industry and used by assholes.

My 2007 Prius, Touring Edition, is saving the environment, but killing me.

I’m just not sure what I was thinking when I cobbled together 3,000 American dollars and convinced that credit union that blew up last year to spot me the rest. My car payment is more akin to rent. And I’m a work-from-home writer– I only go out-of-doors to scrounge for food, and I walk to the supermarket. So, instead of hanging my head in fiscal defeat, I invented Transport System 2.0:

Step 1. Sell Prius.
Silver Prii are like blondes, they’re everywhere and everyone wants to be in one, so this was super easy thanks to Craig and his magical List. Step two of step one was giving this money directly to said bank, which either needs to change its name to Bank of Bosnia or spend my dollars on walls.

Step 2. Buy The Cheapest/Coolest New/Old Wheels Possible.
I considered what my dream used car would be. It took me about 37 seconds:

the Year? 1982. That’s like, vintage! It’s sort of indisputable that this is the best car ever made. The only way it could be better is if it was read: Le California Car.
Finding one was a bit harder cause no sane person would give one of these babies up, but I sleuth’d a mint one in Hawaii. So, 1,500 dead presidents later (500 for the car and 1,000 for shipping) Le Car was Le Mine.

Step 3. Le Driver
With all these Prius Bucks I’m now saving every month, I can afford to hire a chauffeur.
Whenever I want to go out, which is never, I roll over to the Home Depot, TM, and pick up a day laborer. Preferably one with a valid driver’s license. But I’m not picky, basically the guy that smells the best wins (it’s a small car).

Step 4. Enjoy Life From The Back Seat.
Or out the sunroof! LA is pretty to look at! Driving is hard work! I never need to valet!
I’m not one of those assholes who gets car sick, so it’s also free reading time! And there’s nothing like the look on people’s faces when I roll up to Area/Hyde/LAX (club & airport), Jesus/Jose/Juan gets out, walks around the car, opens the passenger door, tilts the seat forward, and helps me out. And for ten bucks an hour, I can go out twenty-five times a month for two hours atta time and it’d still be a savings!

Update: I’ve converted Le Car to Bio-Diesel, so while I’m “out” my driver goes in search of grease!

Wanna work less at work? Regret giving your boss your cell phone number? Trying to get ahead in a dress-for-the-job-you-want-not-the-job-you-have type environment? Follow these six tips written in the blood of my enslavement and you’ll have way more off-site time, lose those last ten pounds, and your own office/assistant/expense account in no time*:

1. Gift Of Life.
Have a kid. Don’t actually have a kid, please. But find yourself a pre-existing one that you can exploit. Ironically, even if you’re single and everyone thinks it was unplanned, you’ll look real responsible due to your being in charge of another human person AND extra easy. It’s gonna cost you a little upfront, cause you have to initially claim him or her as a dependent and then recoup that money at tax time, but the benefits you will reap make it worthwhile. Breeders get away with tons of shit. No one can really say “No” when you have to leave early cause your kid is “sick” or you have a “parent-teacher conference” or day care is “closed pending investigation.” When people procreate they also buy cameras so photographic documentation is key. You should also pretend to be really really into it, so tack up photos often and all over.

2. All The Cool Kids Are Doing It
Smoke. Don’t actually smoke, please. But get yourself one pack of cigarettes (Virginia Slims, Pall Malls, Kools ,whatever) and own it. When a smoker is frustrated, cranky, or bored, they are never refused a 10-15 minute smoking break. But you can’t just ask for some air. These guys get to act like assholes AND go outside. If you get two breaks a day, five days a week, for one year, that’s a one hundred thirty hour savings of reclaimed time straight back to you! The trick is to establish yourself as a lone wolf smoker, find your own secret smoking spot, and if anyone asks you why you don’t smell like BBQ Lung, tell them you’re just really good at it.

3. Jake In Progress
Therapy. You probably should do this, but even if you want to keep that unhealthily low self-esteem, misogyny, or eating disorder, tell your HR representative otherwise on day one and establish an Outstanding Shrink Appointment. Every week. Which just happens to fall mid-day. If you want to go pro, pick a brain doctor that’s on the other end of the LAiverse so there’s no time to come back to the office afterwards. Sign up for that UCB class!

4. Age Crimination
No matter how old you are, be over thirty. Just trust me on this.

5. Y/N
No matter what is asked of you, always say, “Yes” with your mouth and, “Fuck You” with everything else.
Example: “Hey Seth, Big Jenny clogged the ladies bathroom again. Could you roll up those Thomas Pink sleeves and-”
“Yes.”
If at all possible, muster up a smile, too! I’m not saying you should actually DO the work. Just say yes. Everyone loves a yes man.

6. Salt N Peppa
Go grey. Even if you just take some whiteout to individual strands of hair. Nothing gives insta-cred more than being a Silver Fox. George Clooney, Anderson Cooper, Maya Angelou, you know it’s true.
*I am not responsible for anything bad following these tips may result in, including but not limited to: cancer, termination, or hair loss (though that also lends major credibility). I am however, responsible for all positives. Gratitudities appreciated.