Dear Mr. Steve Martin,
My name is Andrea (though you could re-name me anyone you want) and I’m a pretty cute 31 year-old who would like it very much if you would adopt me. Did you know there’s no legal age limit on adoption? I’m not looking for money or a free ride. I don’t need tons of your time or a date to a father daughter dance. I’m a hard working comedy writer who could just use some undeniable good association– like being introduced “around town”** as your daughter. In exchange for adopting me and introducing me “around town”** as said offspring (though if you’d like to let me live in your house, leave me a painting or seven in your will, or take me with you on your next trip to St. Barths, I wouldn’t say no) there are loads of benefits for you:
1. Adoption is totally “in” right now. See: Brangelina, Madonna, the future parents of those octuplets that will eventually get taken away from that cragee (she’s that crazy) lady. You could get a funny piece of the PR action and not have to take care of some parasitic, shit-wearing, crier.
1a. You have worked SO hard and built such an amazing comedy legacy, shouldn’t it live on? Let’s face it, this business runs on nepotism and you have no kids of your own. Shouldn’t someone get to take advantage of the Steve Martin name– and who’s a more deserving funny vegan with no living dad than a me?
1a2. Your dad sounds like a real asshole. If you’d like to “stop the cycle” or repeat it, either way I’m here for you.
1a2.2. Who is gonna take care of you when you’re old? Reeeally old. I totally would. Plus, I met you once (SNL 25th Anniversary episode circa 1999) and made you laugh out loud, so I could prolly do that again, which equals the best medicine.
5. Right now, I could be a pretty amazing dependent-style tax write-off.
F. People use their kids as excuses to get out of stuff all the time and no one can really deny them. You can totally use me as your very own personal scapegoat.
-. Wouldn’t this idea also make for a funny movie? We could write it and then you could star in it with Tina Fey.
VIII. How many presents have you bought for Lorne’s kids? You get 50% (negotiable) of whatever I get.
DD. A whole nother gift giving day just for you in June, and I am a good gifter.
*. When I do something good, you get partial credit, just for being my dad.
*b. When I do something bad, you can blame it on my mom.
71. Unconditional love. Even if you go off your meds. Again.
Think it over. But don’t think too hard. Look at the familial resemblance!
xo,
___________ Martin
p.s. please note that I purposefully did not write this in the style of a Sally Struthers Adopt-a-starving Ethiopian ad for all the reasons that you should be proud of me for.
** “around town” = “Hollywood” = a not geographically specific term referring to the entertainment industry and used by assholes.
10 Responses to “Andrea Martin II”
- 1 Trackback on Aug 10th, 2009 at 5:32 am
- 2 Trackback on Aug 10th, 2009 at 5:49 am
- 3 Trackback on Aug 10th, 2009 at 6:31 am
Andrea, I just saw your brilliant concept on CNN and am still laughing.
What a terrific idea to come up with which shows why your are indeed a
“comedy writer”.
It’s too bad that the earpiece fell out but I think that 90% of the
guests lost some sleep that night just thinking about you.
Andrea ,
I’m glad to see your doing fine into your first 3 minutes of your 15 minutes of fame , congrats. I’m a south alabama pirate living on the redneck riviera along the gulfcoast of florida. I am also a unemployed stand-up comedian and real estate agent. I have a book completed but can’t find a friggin publisher. I also invented a board game and can’t get it produced , not to mention my children’s book that Jimmy Buffet didn’t write. I have taken some classes in L.A not Lower Alabama either. I did Judy Carters comedy class and took a class at the Second City. I bought a bike from a dude at Venice Beach that turned out to be stolen.
I’ve ridden around on the Big Blue Bus and didn’t even know where the hell I was goin. I even met Jack Nickolson in Santa Monica. Huricanes and capt. Morgan blew me back to god’s country away from the California fruitcakes.
I have a proposition for you:
I have a bicentenial 1976 model Airstream Motorhome.
I need someone skilled enough to film me and my black lab ,
Molly going cross-country from Navarre , Fl. to Hollywod.
When I arrive I will audition for the second city conservatory program and maybe donate the Airstream to the Homeless people on Abott-Kinny near the square at Venice bch.
I think we could make a good writing team.
Also go to graysoncapps.com for some south alabama rockin blues.
My contact info:
Robert Martin
8179 Stillwater Cove
Navarre , Fl. 32566
e-mail beastmasters@msn.com
phone 251-809-5714
P.s. I’ll send you a link to a video on Funny or die and a copy of one of my shows at the hollywood improv if your nice. I’m going to Jazzfest in Nawlins next weekend to see Neil Young if ya wanna go send me back a reply.
Take Care ,
Robert (Not Steve) Martin
yo, great name for site)))
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signature: http://xabul.ru/
Andrea, for another funny blog on adoption check out this funny blog written by another former PVPHS grad who now lives in Sydney @ http://www.whatsablog.com. You are both quite funny.
Random question: I am starting my own blog to share my photography experiences. Do you find it hard or easy to post consistently?
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Tinay Fey is really good in impersonating Sarah Palin. Great Comedian.;;`